Do you have a hard time saying ‘no’? Do you agree to do something even when you don’t have the time or the energy? Do you help other people even at your own expense? I know I have. It’s been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember. So this blog entry really hits home for me. Don’t get me wrong. I am not referring to someone who is simply kind and generous. I am talking about having a hard time ever saying no to something or someone, when you know you can’t and shouldn’t be taking the task on.
One of our 6 basic human needs is ‘connection’. Unfortunately, we sometimes offer to do things simply so that we can feel a stronger connection to others. We all want to feel loved, valued, and liked by others. Although, when you are a ‘people pleaser’, you tend to sacrifice your own wants and needs to please the other person.
People pleasing causes a quick burst of excitement and positive feelings. But it’s only short lived. Unfortunately it doesn’t last long. You tend to regret saying ‘yes’ when you know you should have said ‘no’, causing those good feelings to dissipate quickly. Others long for that good feeling so much that they are always saying ‘yes’ in order to seek out that positive feeling. Unfortunately, because it goes away so fast, they search out and say ‘yes’ to something or someone else continuously, hoping to make them feel better again. It can be a vicious circle, having drastic effects on yourself and others around you.
You may be asking yourself, “Why am I a people pleaser? How did this even begin? Why can’t I stop?” Just a few of the reasons why, might be because you struggle with your self-esteem. Or feeling anxious and depressed, can lead to the need to please people. Trying to always avoid getting into conflicts with others, can also cause you to become a people pleaser. Even past trauma or personality disorders can cause someone to be a people pleaser.
Believe it or not, people pleasing can actually cause physical and mental health problems. This is a serious issue for many who have this character trait. The first common problem is that simply put, it causes stress. Stress from overbooking yourself. Stress from having a mile long To-Do list. And we all know, being stressed, then leads to feeling tired and exhausted. An obvious reason for your exhaustion is you are a person who is always burning the candle at both ends. You have taken on too many tasks, even though you do not have the time or energy for them. Also, pretending to be happy, and excited to take on a new task can be mentally exhausting as well. Whenever you put on a fake personality to please others around you, it wears you down, both physically and mentally.
When you are stressed, tired, and always trying to please others, you may notice you don’t have any time or energy for yourself. A people pleaser may begin to neglect their own needs such as personal hygiene, self care, their career, as well as their physical appearance. When you feel pressure to always be nice and say ‘yes’ to all of it, you often begin to resent the person, or people, that you are trying to be nice to in the first place. This often leads to thinking others are always taking advantage of you. This can even turn into full blown anger. Not only does being a people pleaser cause problems for yourself, you can see how it can really affect those around you, affecting your relationships with family, friends, and coworkers too.
The goal is to find balance. Balance between your own needs and priorities, and other people’s.
People who suffer from a personality disorder such as DPD (dependent personality disorder) or understand that they are a people pleaser as a result of serious past trauma, may need help from a medical professional before they begin to work on their struggle with ‘people pleasing’. If that is not you, and you are ready to tackle your people pleasing personality, then here are some great steps you can take.
Medical News Today shares that you can:
- Start small: To begin with, try committing to meeting one need at a time. For example, a person might set a goal to give themselves small breaks between meetings.
- Stall: When someone makes a request, try allowing for some time to think about it rather than answering immediately.
- Set time limits: When saying yes to something, include a time limit or deadline rather than waiting for someone else to set the schedule. For example, a person might agree to babysit between certain hours.
- Time block: Block out time in the day that is off-limits to any new requests or plans. People can do this mentally or use a calendar app to automatically decline any new invitations.
- Rehearse saying “no”: In many situations, there are tactful and empathetic ways to say no. Rehearsing these before speaking with someone may help.
All of those things are actually examples of creating boundaries for yourself. This can be difficult, but it is absolutely necessary. Don’t forget, a healthy relationship with someone has a balance of ‘give and take’. It’s not about one person doing everything for the other person all the time. Also, know that you do not have to provide an explanation or excuse as to why you have to say ‘no’ to something. It’s your decision for whatever the reason is, and that is ok.
So today, try taking some of those steps listed above. And if you don’t have time today, it’s okay to say “no, I will look at this tomorrow”. See what I did there. I hope that made you smile. But honestly, this is a huge problem many of us struggle with on a daily basis. If you are someone that could relate to any of the ‘people pleaser’ tendencies described in this blog, please take this seriously. Understanding what ‘people pleasing’ is and how it affects you is the very first step in stopping it. And those of you that do not struggle with ‘people pleasing’ tendencies; understanding what it is, and recognizing it in others, can be an enormous help to those that do suffer from being a ‘people pleaser’. You’ve got this!
